MensHealth Magazine asked former porn star and FSU superfan Mia Khalifa about anal sex, orgasms, and whether size really matters.
When most people have embarrassing sex questions, they turn to the internet for answers. But with so much conflicting and just plain bizarre sex-related information out there (hello, Yahoo Answers threads), it’s a good idea to consult another source — and who better to answer your most burning questions about sex and dating than former porn star, FSU superfan, and certified Internet genius Mia Khalifa?
A former adult performer and top-ranking Pornhub search, Khalifa is now a popular sports commentator (she co-hosts an online sports show, Out of Bounds, with former NBA all-star Gilbert Arenas) and bona fide social media celebrity. With almost 2 million Twitter followers and 3.4 million followers on Instagram, Khalifa is well-known for her D.C. sports tweets and her witty, often brutal callouts of athletes who try to slide into her DMs, providing a warning to internet creepsters everywhere.
As someone who’s schooled us so many times on appropriate internet etiquette, Khalifa is an unofficial expert on all things sex and women-related — which is why we thought we’d reach out to her to ask her to answer some of your most Googled sex and dating questions, culled together from Google Trends data over the years. Here’s Khalifa’s take on 7 of your most burning sex and dating questions, from how to find the elusive G-spot to how long, exactly, women want sex to last (spoiler: it’s not nearly as long as you think).
The first question is: “Where is the G-spot”?
Your G-spot is on the top wall of the vagina halfway between the opening and the cervix — so if you’re fingering someone, it’s up and under, I would say. You know you’re touching it when it feels like you’re touching a slightly rougher surface, like the surface of a nut. It’s a different spot for every girl. It takes a little experimenting to find. Every girl gets to her G-spot a little differently than the last girl, if that makes sense. I reach orgasm externally, not too much from just intercourse, so I prefer clitoral stimulation over G-spot stimulation. But every girl is different.
OK, the next one is “How to make a woman orgasm”?
It really depends on the woman. Most women just need a lot of foreplay to be turned on enough to even orgasm. It’s not just about finding the G-spot — it’s about a bunch of different factors, like kissing and taking your time and being tender, or being rough, depending on what the girl wants. There’s no required time to spend on foreplay — you just have to feel the vibe. Play off of her, play off of what she’s doing. If she’s trying to lead a little bit, follow her lead. She doesn’t quite want you to start having sex yet — she wants you to tease her a little bit. Above all else, don’t ask “Is it in?” Don’t do that.
How do you know if you’re doing something right?
Look at her and listen to her and feel her out. Don’t question yourself. Don’t keep asking, “Is this OK? Do you want more of this? Do you want more of that?” Listen to her moan. If she’s moaning, she’s enjoying it. If her body starts shaking, or if she looks like she’s having an exorcism performed on her, she’s getting close. That’s usually a good sign.
OK, the next one is “How to get a bigger penis manually,” but maybe for our purposes we should pivot this to: does size matter?
I don’t think size matters at all. The best sex I ever had was definitely not with the most well-endowed man I’ve ever been with. It’s really all about the way you treat a girl and the way she feels about you. To me, climax is more about how I feel about a person rather than what they’re doing. I don’t know if most girls are like that, but I would definitely say don’t skip holding the door open for her, don’t skip foreplay. All of that factors in whether a girl climaxes. It’s not about getting a pump out and making your dick 4 inches bigger. But there is such a thing as too small — I’m not saying there isn’t. [laughs] But if he has the other stuff, she will look past the size. Just be confident. Confidence will make you look taller and your dick bigger. You just need to stand up a little straighter and put your shoulders back.
If you’re small, you can put a pillow under the small of her back helps with angles. Avoid certain positions like doggy-style. It’s gonna be very hard to reach under there if the girl has a large butt or something. And if she goes down on you a lot, she’ll be able to deep-throat you easier and you’ll feel like a rock star.
WHAT ABOUT GOING DOWN ON YOUR PARTNER? DOES THAT HELP COMPENSATE IF YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS?
Well, I don’t enjoy being gone down on — but many girls really enjoy that. I’m very, very ticklish on my inner thighs and I just start giggling a maniac. I’m like the Joker. It’s really unattractive.
The next one is “How long does sex last?” I guess the question for you really is, “how long should sex last”?
Sex should last between 7 and 15 minutes.
That is a very specific number.
It’s just how long I like sex to last. I think a quickie is usually about 5-7 minutes, and something more passionate is usually about 10-15 minutes. I don’t like hour-long sessions. I get chafed and tired and Sportscenter is usually about to be on. Wrap it up, people. [Ed. note: According to a 2008 Journal of Sexual Medicine study, Khalifa is actually about right: Women said that they considered 7-13 minutes a “desirable” length of time for sex.] Sex should not last an hour. If it lasts an hour, both of you need to get yourselves checked out. Like, why is it taking so long?
Is there a breakdown in terms of how much time you should spend on foreplay, or how much time to spend on penetration?
I’d say 50/50, right down the middle. Foreplay is very important.
I think you’ve stumbled on a solid mathematical formula here.
Where’s my Nobel Peace Prize? [laughs]
Next one: “does anal sex hurt”?
Yes. Yes, it does. It hurts a lot. And anyone who tells you it doesn’t and you should “just relax” is totally the same person who tells you they just drink a lot of water and get enough sleep when you ask what they do to make their skin look so good. The only time girls do anal sex is when they really, really, really, really like a guy.
What was your first time with anal sex like?
My first time with anal sex was really painful. I’ve only done it once, and with one person, and I felt like it brought me closer to them, but it was still really painful. I will say a lot of lube really helped, and it was enjoyable after the first two minutes, but even then, it was a different kind of enjoyable than I could ever describe. I can’t liken it to any other sexual pleasure I’ve ever had. It was like the first time I’ve ever had sex — painful and pleasurable at the same time. I was sweating. My body was shaking. I felt tense, but at the same time was confused, because it kinda felt good, and it was over before I knew it, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I would ever do it again. I will say, though — butt plugs are definitely pleasurable. Anal sex, not so much.
Given this is a fantasy lot of guys have, how would you recommend they approach this with a partner if they want to try it?
It’s funny you ask that, because the way I asked the person I did it with, I got them a gift for Valentine’s Day that came in a jewelry box and I repurposed the jewelry box and wrote “Anal?” in a piece of paper inside the box. It worked, though! But yeah, I’d bring it up: “Have you ever done it?” “Are you interested in it?” Don’t just say: “Let’s do anal.” Say, “Hey, can I go down on you there?” “Do you maybe want to try a butt plug?” “Can we try a finger?” Take baby steps to build up to anal. You can’t just spring it on a girl, or put it in when she won’t notice. She’s gonna notice. If you do have that conversation and she is interested, try an anal training kit [like this one from Amazon for $15.99] — it’s basically just like 4 butt plugs of varying sizes so you can build up to it. You can’t just put your penis in — you have to let that hole expand a bit before you can put your penis in there.
So the next one is “How can I last longer in bed?” If a guy struggles with premature ejaculation and wants to last longer in bed, how would you recommend that he do that?
Pull out and go back to foreplay if you feel yourself getting too close. Tease yourself. It’s kind of like edging, when you’re masturbating — it feels much better to finally come after you’ve been teasing yourself for a while. So take the same approach when you’re having sex with a girl. She’s not gonna get mad if you pull out and start going down on her. She won’t even know that you’re trying not to come. She’ll think that you’re doing it because it’s hot, and it’ll turn her on more. Also, change positions a lot — getting your mind off the one thing that feels really good will distract you from coming too soon. Anytime you feel yourself getting too close, just pay more attention to her. Pull out and maybe finger her, or go down on her, or ask her to go down on you. There’s a bunch of things you can do.
OK, the last one is kind of sad: “why won’t my girlfriend have sex with me”?
I feel like this might be difficult to answer without context, so might be good to run through a few different potential scenarios here.
To me, sex is a very important part of a relationship. I feel like I can’t be with someone unless we have a strong sexual connection. But the truth is, some girls just don’t care very much about sex. Some guys, too — sex is so low on their list of priorities they don’t even try. Two of my closest girlfriends, their jobs are basically being sexy — they have hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram, they portray this sexpot image of being gorgeous and insatiable, when in reality they couldn’t care less about sex. So sometimes, it’s really not anything the guy is doing. It’s something about her.
That said, there could be a million different reasons. Maybe it’s painful for her. Maybe she has a gynecological issue going on, [Ed. note: certain conditions, like yeast infections, bacterial infections, and chronic conditions like vulvodynia, can cause vaginal pain and discomfort] and she needs to see a doctor. Maybe you’re not listening enough to what she wants and you need to go slower, or be more gentle. Maybe the connection’s just not there. Do something romantic with just you two. You don’t have to whisk her off to Bora Bora — just do something small and intimate with the two of you, to reignite that flame.
Above all else, if you two aren’t having sex anymore, you need to talk about it, or else it’s just not going to change. But tread very lightly. If my significant other came up to me and said, “We never have sex,” I know I would get defensive. Also, really be cognizant of your actions and the way you are behaving. Are you opening yourself up to a romantic relationship? Or are you coming home exhausted from a long day of work and looking like you don’t want anyone to touch you, and then just being upset when she’s not initiating, when you look like you don’t even want to sit with her on the couch, let alone have sex? It could very much be your attitude and your mood, even if you don’t realize it.