I turned nineteen some time ago, and am inherently in love with a man. No, it’s not my first relationship. No, he is not just another horny teenager. He loves me for who I am. He has made me the strong person I am today. He has, without doubt, stood with me through thick and thin. And even though I have known him for just a couple of months, he has made me feel like the luckiest person alive.
Growing up with “cool parents” who eventually ended up getting a divorce when I was still in my pre-teen years, damaged me to the core. Their constant bickering turned me into a person I did not want to be.
I became irritable and didn’t speak to anyone at school. Such behaviour is common in children whose parents are divorced. My younger sibling, who was only seven when my parents filed for divorce was far more affected by it, both mentally and emotionally. On the outside, she tried to appear happy, but in her heart, she was jealous of all the kids who had their fathers living with them, who went for picnics and seemed to have a good time.
When my parents separated, my mother asked me to be her support, to believe in her. So did my father. I was confused about what to do.
As a good student, they expected me to get high grades, no matter what. Meanwhile, my mother hooked up with her high school lover, one day. My father too hooked up with his colleague. I now know both of them made wrong decisions, but as a little girl, I couldn’t say a word against it, because I thought if both my parents were doing it, it must be right. All this was quite overwhelming for me at the tender age of 15.
At that young age, all I wanted was to be cared for and loved. I didn’t get this love and care in my family, so I started seeking it outside. When I was in Class 10th, Facebook became quite a rage. I too made an account on it and started speaking with this guy. We chatted with each other for about a year and eventually, I started dating him.
I didn’t even know what dating meant, back then, but I just needed to subconsciously feel okay and so I went ahead with it. Going back in time, I now realize how he manipulated my vulnerable self to suit his needs and whims.
I was with him for a year and a half. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship felt like because I had never had one in my life. As my relationship with him progressed, I started feeling suffocated. I was then in Class 12th and could see a negative impact of the relationship on my academics too. Not that I wasn’t giving time to my studies, but I couldn’t concentrate on them amidst all the issues and fights going on with my boyfriend. This reminded me of my parents. I couldn’t hold on to it any longer and finally managed to come out of the relationship, even though the guy tried to emotionally blackmail me into staying in it.
Then, one fine day, almost a year later, as I scrolled down my feed, I came across this really interesting man, who was intelligent, smart and funny. We talked, we met, we hung out and we fell in love.
He helped me become strong. He motivated me every day, every hour. He let me be who I wanted to be. He saved me from drowning in my own thoughts. He helped me battle depression and anxiety that I had developed over time. He took care of my needs like I was his daughter. He loved me like my mother should have. He talked to me like a best friend would. He protected me from every harm – emotional, physical and mental.
We did things together. We did things for each other. I still haven’t been able to contribute a lot to his being other than just supporting him and being there for him when he needs me. He doesn’t complain.
He made me feel alive again when I had given up on love.
Today, I am an independent woman. My father no longer controls me, my mother no longer tries to show fake care about my whereabouts. I am optimistic and have built a good life for myself. My sister too lives with me. I’ve taken her custody as both my parents, in my opinion, are too narcissistic to take good care of her.
I have always believed that God isn’t a man with a white beard, but someone who gives us the hope we need, to go on in life. To me, my lover is God. With him I learnt that all we want is love.